and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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