ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
