is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
