i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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