Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
