Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
