Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
