I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
worst night to have a conscience
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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