Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
