I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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