you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize