you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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