Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize