Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
