I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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