Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
