I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
