My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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