listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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