Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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