Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
