I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
