What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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