Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
