4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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