If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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