I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My life is pants optional.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
