Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
