maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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