Soap is not a condiment
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
