You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dear god my vagina.
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