yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
