Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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