After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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