Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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