two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
