I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
