I think im going to throw up on grandma
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize