this beer tastes like vomit already
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
