love makes seman taste better
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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