There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
