Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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