my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
