every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
