Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
