Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
