Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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