rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
