she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
