I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
