What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
