I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
