just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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