If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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