Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
