My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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