Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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