dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
