Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
