did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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