I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
